Please, help with translation into German!


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Registriert: Fr Apr 06 2007 20:50

Wohnort: Bytom (Beuthen, Polen)

Beitrag Fr Apr 06 2007 22:18

Please, help with translation into German!

Liebe Freunde aus Deutschland!
Mein Name ist Sebastian Domagała, ich komme aus Polen. Ich wohne in Bytom (Deutsche: Beuthen). Ich bin fünfzehn Jahre alt. Ich bin Benutzer des Elendili Forums. Ich habe Kurs Aduunaic von Thorsten Renk ins Polnisch übersetzt.
OK, here my ability in writing in German ends :D.
I make a quite untypical request to you. And so my dear friend's birthday comes. I would give him as a present the collection of his poems translated into many different languages. One of them is "Jabłko" - "Der Apfel". This is my great Bitte to you: could you help me with translation? I'll be truly very thankful!

Głowy czule ku sobie schyla
Winogron złota plątanina.
Tęczowego płoszy motyla
Spod nieb śpiewna ptasia rodzina.

Tu drzewa płaszcze zarzuciły
Pstre: złote, brązowe i rdzawe,
Tutaj jabłek zapach przemiły,
Tu spada deszcz srebrny na trawę.

W domu ciepłem gorze kominek.
Zapachem się snują wypieki-
Serce młode wiekiem rodzynek.
Słota wyrwana chmurom z opieki.

A tyś żeglarzu butny i młody
Wolał przemierzać morza bezkresy,
Płynąć okrętem przez zmierzwione wody,
Gdzie pod mórz taflą czają się biesy.

Za domem żeś nie tęsknił nic wcale
Domem zwąc szafirową pustynię,
Wzrok błędny w dalsze zapatrzon dale-
Czekasz aż wiatr żagiel twój rozwinie.

Ku Tobie srebrem samotna wyspa lśni!
Lecz na Boga! O dziwy! Sztorm dziki!
Zmilkły mąż fali pod falą już śpi.
Spadło jabłko w ciche kwietniki.

The word-by-word English translation in normal sentence structure is as follows:

1st stanza: A grapes' golden tangle is bending affectionately to themselves. From under the sky a melodious family of birds is scaring away a colourful butterfly.
2nd stanza: Here trees are covering with motley: golden, brown and rust-coloured cloaks. Here apples' delectable smell, here silver rain is falling down on the grass.
3rd stanza: The fireplace is blazing with warm at home. Cakes are floating with smell - the heart is as young as raisins. Custody of a wet weather to clouds taken back (pull out).
4th stanza: And you (thou), oh sailor arrogant and young, you preferred to wander expanse of sea, to sail a ship through shaggy waters, where devils are waiting under waters' surface.
5th stanza: You didn't long for home not at all, calling home a sapphire-blue desert, mad look looking in more remote distances - you're waiting till wind will spread the sails.
6th: The alone island is glittering to you with silver! But Goodness me! Oh wonders [strange things, fr. MERVEILLES]! Ferocious storm! (lit.) Become (past participle) silent man of foam is sleeping now under foam. The apple's fallen down in silent flowerbeds.

My trial of translation into German:
Die Verwicklung der goldenen Trauben
Verbiegt Köpfe in Richtung zu selbst.
Eine wohlklingende Familie unter dem Himmel
Verscheucht einen bunten Schmetterling.

Hier warfen Bäume auf die viel-farbigen:
Goldenen, braunen und rostigen Mäntel.
Hierher entzückender Geruch der Äpfel
Da fällt silberner Regen unten.

Zu Hause brennt der Kamin mit Wärme
Kuchen schleichen mit Aroma –
Ein Herd ist so jung, wie Junge Rosinen sind.
Wetter ist zu den Wolken von Schutz extrahiert.

Und du bist hochmütiger und junger Seemann.
Du zogst wander grenzenlose Meere es vor,
Schiff durch wellig Wasser zu segeln,
In dem Teufel unter Oberfläche des Wassers lauern.

Du nicht nie sehntest dich nach Haus
Und nanntest Haus diese Saphirwüste.
Dein verrückter Blick gesehen in weite Abstände –
Du wartest, bis ein Wind deine Segel setzt.

Alleininsel funkelt Silber zu dir!
Sondern mein Gott! Etwas sonderbar! Wilder Sturm!
Mann des Welles unter Welle ist leise.
Der Apfel fiel in leise Blumenbeet.

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Registriert: Fr Apr 06 2007 20:50

Wohnort: Bytom (Beuthen, Polen)

Beitrag So Apr 08 2007 18:31

Strictly literal translation :)

Głowy czule ku sobie schyla
Heads affectionately to itself is bending
Winogron złota plątanina.
of-grapes golden tangle
Tęczowego płoszy motyla
colourful butterfly is-scaring away
Spod nieb śpiewna ptasia rodzina.
From-under the-sky(pl.) birds' family.

Tu drzewa płaszcze zarzuciły
here the-trees (nom) cloaks (acc) covered
Pstre: złote, brązowe i rdzawe,
motley: golden, brown and rust-coloured
Tutaj jabłek zapach przemiły,
here apple's smell delectable
Tu spada deszcz srebrny na trawę.
here is-falling-down rain silver on the-grass

W domu ciepłem gorze kominek.
at home with-warm is-blazing the-fireplace
Zapachem się snują wypieki-
with-smell are-floating the-cakes (lit. things baked)
Serce młode wiekiem rodzynek.
hearth young with-age of-raisins
Słota wyrwana chmurom z opieki.
a-wet-weather taken-back(pull out) to-clouds from (or out) custody

A tyś żeglarzu butny i młody
and you (oh) sailor (vocative) arrogant and young
Wolał przemierzać morza bezkresy,
preferred (to this verb concerns YOU) to-wander of-sea expanses
Płynąć okrętem przez zmierzwione wody,
to-sail a-ship through shaggy waters,
Gdzie pod mórz taflą czają się biesy.
where under seas' surface are-waiting devils (subject)

Za domem żeś nie tęsknił nic wcale
for home you-didn't long not at-all
Domem zwąc szafirową pustynię,
home calling sapphire-blue desert
Wzrok błędny w dalsze zapatrzon dale-
look mad in more-remote with-eyes-fixed-on distances
Czekasz aż wiatr żagiel twój rozwinie.
you-are-waiting till wind (subject) sails (object) your will-spread

Ku Tobie srebrem samotna wyspa lśni!
to-you with-silver alone island is-glittering!
Lecz na Boga! O dziwy! Sztorm dziki!
but on (for?) God! Oh wonders (strange things, fr. MERVEILLE)! storm wild
Zmilkły mąż fali pod falą już śpi.
become-silent man of-foam under foam now is-sleeping.
Spadło jabłko w ciche kwietniki.
has-fallen-down apple in silent flowerbeds.

:) I hope it will help!
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Registriert: Do Mär 15 2007 13:23

Beitrag Di Apr 10 2007 8:23

*routing up rudimentary knowledge of Polish language*

Before I have a go at the full text, I have a couple of questions:

>Głowy czule ku sobie schyla

Is it the heads of grapes that bend to each other or the heads of actual people in the "entanglement of grapes" (= drunkenness?)?

>Serce młode
>hearth young

I think there is a mistake here: "serce" is "heart" in English, not "hearth" - so, "Herz" in German.

>wiekiem rodzynek

I am not quite sure about this "wiek rodzynek" = "raisin age" (?) metaphor: does it mean "old (and wrinkled) like a raisin"?

>Słota wyrwana chmurom z opieki.
>a-wet-weather taken-back(pull out) to-clouds from (or out) custody

I do not get this one at all.
Słota = rainy weather
wyrwana = pulled out (or spread out like e.g. a travelling map?)
chmurom = from(?Dat. Pl.) the clouds
z opieki = to custody
So, who or what is "pulled out" and "in custody": the rainy weather? The observer? Is it 'from' or 'to(wards)' the clouds? And who or what is "in custody"?

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Beitrag Di Apr 10 2007 14:10

>Is it the heads of grapes that bend to each other or the heads of actual people in the "entanglement of grapes" (= drunkenness?)?
the heads of grapes that bend to each other :)
>serce młode
Of course it's a heart (Herz). My typographical error.
>>wiekiem rodzynek
>I am not quite sure about this "wiek rodzynek" = "raisin age" (?) metaphor: does it mean "old (and wrinkled) like a raisin"?
Note what I wrote before: "the heart is as young as raisins". Here "wiekiem" (it's instrumental of noun) means something like "very old", i.e. "old (and wrinkled) like a raisin".
>słota wyrwana chmurom z opieki
It's a metaphor. "Chmury" (clouds) look after "słota" (rainy weather) which was "wyrwana" captured (passive participle; wyrywać: pull out, tear out; here something like to extract a tooth) them (=chmurom, here in Dative of chmury) from protection (z opieki), i.e. chmury aren't looking after słota now, because something deprived them this possibility.

I'm thankful for interest :).
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Beitrag Di Apr 10 2007 19:45

>It's a metaphor.
Yeah, I feared as much.... So you are telling me that the "rainy weather was removed from the clouds' custody"?

On the basis of your explanations and helpful hints, I venture the following translation of your poem:

Der Reben goldenes Gewirr
neigt zärtlich sein Haupt sich zu,
die klingende Vogelfamilie unter dem Himmel
scheucht einen regenbogenfarbenen Schmetterling auf.

Hier warfen die Bäume einen vielfarbigen Mantel:
golden, braun und rostfarben,
hier ist köstlicher Apfelduft
hier fällt silberner Regen aufs Gras.

Daheim brennt warm der Kamin
Gebäckduft schwebt in der Luft -
das Herz ist jung so wie Rosinen.
Regenwetter ist dem Schutz der Wolken entzogen.

Und du bist ein hochmütiger und junger Seemann,
zogst es vor, die Unendlichkeit des Meeres zu durchstreifen,
mit einem Schiff über aufgewühlte Wasser zu segeln
wo unter der Meeresoberfläche Teufel lauern.

Du sehntest dich gar nie nach Haus,
nanntest die saphirblaue Wüste dein Heim,
abwesender Blick, weiter in weite Ferne fixiert -
wartest du, bis der Wind deine Segel setzt.

Die einsame Insel funkelt mit Silber dir zu!
Jedoch, bei Gott! Unfassbar! Ein wilder Sturm!
Still schläft schon der Mann der Wellen* unter den Wellen
ist der Apfel in stille Blumenbeete gefallen.

*or better: Wellenmann?


Very, very roughly speaking. I am sure someone will still come up with some improvements of diction or metre here and there, so please wait for further comments.
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Registriert: Mo Mär 12 2007 22:58

Beitrag Mi Apr 11 2007 8:52

>Der Reben goldenes Gewirr
neigt zärtlich sein Haupt sich zu,

Should be easier to understand (in German) if we supplant the reflexiv pronoun by "einander":
Der Reben goldenes Gewirr neigt zärtlich sein Haupt einander zu.


>abwesender Blick, weiter in weite Ferne fixiert -
wartest du, bis der Wind deine Segel setzt.

I don´t like the beginnig of this sentence. What about setting a point after "Heim" and then begin the next phrase:
"Den abwesenden Blick in die ...gewandt/fixiert,..."? Sounds more elegant to me.

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Beitrag Mi Apr 11 2007 17:16

>of your poem:
In the beginning of my first post I wrote that it is a poem by my friend to which I want to give theis translation :).
>So you are telling me that the "rainy weather was removed from the clouds' custody"?
Thus I think. I hope that my friend wanted to write just it.

I gave some thought to this sentence "serce młode wiekiem rodzynek" and I reached a conclusion, that rodzynek is instrumental pl. of rodzynka. The instrumental case determines the tool serving as maker of the given activity. And so: raisins serve for determining the age of the heart. Thus this pharse should be interpreted.
>Very, very roughly speaking. I am sure someone will still come up with some improvements of diction or metre here and there, so please wait for further comments.
Don't afraid. I'm truly verythankful for your help.

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Registriert: Fr Apr 06 2007 20:50

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Beitrag Sa Apr 21 2007 16:31

Don't notes added by me and this what Avorninnas's written change anything? Is your version final?
:)
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Beitrag So Apr 22 2007 11:23

No, of course I would not consider my rendering as the final option. Regarding Avorninnas comments, I would have left it up to you which versions you prefer - they both say more or less the same - but I see that this would hardly be fair on you. So, while I am rather sure to have given the correct meaning of the words, I am sure there are lots of ways to say them in a more precise or more poetic manner. This is what I have tried to do in the phrases which Avorninnas has critizised, so surely the attempt to render the same phrase in a) correct and unarguably understandable and b) poetic language is futile from the beginning.

Of course I agree with Avorninnas: what she proposes sounds much more precise, so please replace my phrases by hers.

>The instrumental case determines the tool serving as maker of the given activity. And so: raisins serve for determining the age of the heart. Thus this pharse should be interpreted.

Unfortunately there is no instrumental case in German, so I am afraid we have to stick to some kind of comparing phrase - maybe we could change it to:

Das Herz, es ist rosinen-jung

which does not make much of a change in meaning, but would have at least some kind of rhythm (if this it at all desired, as I have not managed to carry any kind of rhythm through all the text).

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